I wrote this blog in July 2014 after stumbling across an encouraging blog post by a blogger from Birmingham. Just last month we flipped another page on the calendar as we passed the five year anniversary of Mom's homecoming. Has it really been five years? And where did the time go? Some days it seems like it just happened while on others it feels like an entire lifetime ago. I vividly remember thinking this was the worst thing I could possibly experience and I leaned on the comfort of my friends to help me cope. Most were close by, others not so much, but I leaned anyways. Since then I have graduated from college, gotten married and had my first child - all without my mother. And while I have missed her constant encouragement and guidance navigating through big decisions and tough situations, I could not be more thankful for the things she taught me in our short time together. She led by example and a powerful one at that. Read on to see what this 'mountains and valleys' experience taught me.
The blogger mentioned above had much to say about how hard it can be to wait. We live in a society where we want things and we want them now - instant gratification. It's difficult to be patient - no if's, and's, or but's about it. Regardless of how many times you reassure yourself that it will be worth it, it is still a long road to walk and a hard thing to endure. But what exactly makes it hard?
When I think back on the hard times I've seen in my (nearly) twenty eight years of life, the decisions that seemed hard in 2008 like what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, seemed minuscule down the road and the reason why was because God had a much bigger plan for me after graduation. You see, when my mom was first diagnosed with cancer I thought I wanted to be a nurse so that I could help her through this valley and understand what doctors were telling us, but sometimes too much knowledge can be a bad thing. I quit school just twenty four hours before my junior year was supposed to start because my mom had a very debilitating journey ahead of her that would last nearly two years. At the time, I wasn't happy with my circumstances but I accepted the time off from school for two reasons: (1) so that I could help my dad take care of my now completely handicapped mother and (2) so that I could decide if nursing was what God wanted me to do. (Side note, when the Lord says wait, sometimes it's followed by an abrupt change in plans.) I look back now and see the most valuable days of my life would be nonexistent if I had not embraced this period of waiting. Oh the things I would have missed and that time with her I could never recover.
For the next nineteen months, we put thousands of miles on our cars as we ran the roads to Birmingham for help and back to Montgomery for work. I'm still not sure exactly how we functioned on what little sleep we were able to get but I can tell you that II Corinthians 12:9 became something we lived by. "And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
My dad and I went days without seeing each other except for passing on the interstate. I remember seeing my mom for the first time after surgery when she was in a coma and how over the next few days even the slightest sign of brain activity was a triumph for us. We got excited when she wiggled her toes on command, and days later when she opened one eye we really thought things were looking up. And they were.
Now lets fast forward... For one month she stayed in the Neuro Intensive Care Unit At UAB while Dad or I slept in the van or on the window sill in her room. Desperate times called for desperate measures. During that month she had a feeding tube put in and doctors told us she would probably never walk or talk again. Don't get me wrong, we had an incredible Neurosurgeon that treated her for seven years, but even he was shocked at her progress. She went through rehab programs and covered milestones when she learned how to eat, walk and communicate again. The big kicker was watching her write her name. Just three months prior she was in a coma with very little hope of surviving the next twenty four hours, then here she was with will power and determination to make the most of what she was given - time.
As the months passed the cancer spread and the radiation treatments began. The disease spread like wildfire engulfing everything it touched and it was all we could do to keep our faith and sanity in line. Have you ever felt like you're fighting a losing battle? Most days that's what this seemed like. We had communication barriers which caused a world of frustration for her and us both, but for every bad week we made it through, we were blessed with a good day. Actually, we were blessed everyday but most days were challenging in every aspect you could imagine. The good days were almost like watching God pull the clouds back to expose a beautiful ray of sunshine, just a little glimmer of hope and a glimpse of His hand, something to hold on to and remind us that everything was in His hands and on His time.
By Thanksgiving her body was so weak that she was unable to lift her arms so we spoon fed her and developed a system to move her to and from the bed. By the end of January we had a hospital bed put in our home because it was nearly impossible to move her aching body. She became restless and even harder to nurse because she couldn't eat or take her medicine, which we had to give her every six hours. One night in particular I remember she wouldn't go to sleep and of course she couldn't verbally tell me what was wrong so I got in the bed with her and held her till she fell asleep. Out of all the nights we spent together, that was easily one of the most rewarding. The ability to do something for someone who could not do for themselves, to take care of her like she did me, to know what it's like to love and be loved unconditionally, these are all things I walked away from this experience with, but what God taught me was how to truly be grateful, humble, willing, obedient and so much more.
I don't write these things to tell you a sob story or to make you feel bad for me. I miss my mom but I wouldn't change anything. For as long as I can remember, my mother was always the best Christian example. I'm not being biased, I'm being honest, and there are hundreds that made it to her funeral because they thought highly of her and her tremendous testimony through the lowest of valleys. She always assured me she was ready to go to Heaven, for years she preached the importance of being ready and keeping the slate clean. My point is this, it was incredibly difficult to keep the faith during those trials, but God proved Himself to be faithful and kept His promises. We wanted time, we wanted healing, we begged for mercy, we prayed for peace and we got all of it. It would have been much easier to be consumed with all the negative fabric that weaved our circumstances but we would have overlooked the beauty and blessings of each day we were granted. It's not about God giving you what you want, it's about contentment in all situations and seeing just how beautiful life can be. It's all about perspective.
Remember those milestones I mentioned earlier? My greatest accomplishment wasn't completing my degree or owning my own business, but rather stepping out of my comfort zone, that is leaving the security of a full time job to invest my time and my heart in my child. She is my greatest accomplishment and she will be the best investment I ever make. My mother was my very best friend, biggest cheerleader and greatest support system. I wish I could wrap her in an enormous hug and thank her endlessly, what a world of difference her investment in me has made. Regardless of what path I took or decisions I made along the way, I keep coming back to this point in my life. This point of feeling so very lost yet so very much alive and seeing His hand guide me every step of the way.
Our lives are marked by moments of impact. Whether it be the highest mountain or the lowest valley, the sun still comes up on a new day. I spent the last night with my mom, curled up on a hospital bed rubbing her feet like I had throughout her sickness, but knowing I'd never do it again. When I woke up early on March 6, 2013, the reality of many sleepless nights took what we had clung to for years. Life is but a vapor. What's your moment of impact?
"What if blessings come through rain drops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
"...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11
